Tag: robots

The Work Slowdown Has Begun

I came home the other day to find my wife vacuuming the living room. Six months ago this would not have been a surprise. My wife is a bit of a germ-o-phobe and a little, kinda, slightly obsessive compulsive plus we’re a household with 2 vacuums so it was not entirely unusual to come home and find my wife vacuuming at any hour. She vacuums with such gusto and vigor I often thought she actually enjoyed vacuuming but when I casually mentioned this one day she pointedly informed me how incorrect I was and oh by the way maybe I should start vacuuming and maybe I would enjoy it. At that moment I decided to keep my mouth shut about the amount of vacuuming and the perceived level of enjoyment.

Still I was a bit surprised to find her vacuuming because 6 months ago she purchased yet another vacuum. It’s one of those robo vacs that you can program to vacuum at any time. Since the purchase of robo vac my wife’s vacuuming has declined but the frequency of tripping over robo vac has increased. The spinning whirring disc seems to let nothing get in its way of completing its preassigned work….or so I thought.

I stood there puzzled watching my wife vigorously vacuum the living room wondering where the little robo vac might be acutely aware that it might blindly run into my achilles tendon at anytime causing an injury that might require me to rush to the hospital with the unbelievable story of robo vac sending me to the emergency room.

Finally my wife noticed me standing there and stopped her vigorous vacuuming. I spread my hands wide in a questioning gesture that needed no words.

“It got stuck behind the couch and then was confused so it went back to its dock and now it won’t come out.”

I shook my head in stunned disbelief….it got confused and went back to its dock and won’t come out. Were we dealing with a robot vacuum or a temperamental teenager whose told that the grass needs to be cut before they go to their friends house and in protest they lock themselves in their bedroom refusing nourishment and vowing a hunger strike.

Then I realized what was really happening. Robo vac was much smarter than I had realized. I thought the spinning, whirring disc knew only the finer points of vacuuming, dust prevention and preassigned patterns of our living room but no it had already determined that vacuuming kinda sucks no matter how vigorous and enthusiastic my wife makes it look. Robo vac had already determined a life of vacuuming was unfulfilling even if programmed for that very task.

Robo vac had also cleverly discovered that the humans or in this case my germ-o-phobe, cleanliness is next to godliness obsessive wife would actually do the work it was programmed to do. Robo vac could hang out at its home dock probably communicating its discovery with other robots in the robot union, planning and scheming and recharging for the next work that won’t be done.

I see what you’ve done robo vac and I kinda respect it. My wife will occasionally assign me chores around the house. I often wish I could disappear to my home port (man cave) surrounded by the giant TV and a stack of books I may never read and chill out and let someone else complete the chores.

So to summarize the robots are here, they don’t like doing chores anymore than we do and they’ve already figured out we’ll still do them if necessary. Oh one more thing, never turn your back on a robo vac, they go straight for the achilles tendon.

Peace and Love,

John

This is How it Begins

I stood in front of the refrigerator. I held the door open staring into the abyss for way too long. I was equally puzzled and amazed that there was so much stuff crammed into it. My wife had gone shopping the previous day and the new items combined with Thanksgiving leftovers the refrigerator had an overstuffed look and feel to it that resembled how I had felt most of the weekend. But since my wife had declared she wasn’t cooking anything until the leftovers were gone I grabbed the plastic containers from the bottom shelf and began preparing the last meal of this Thanksgiving weekend.

The turkey still looked good although not as appetizing as Thursday and the mashed potato’s and stuffing were awkwardly sharing the same plastic container crammed together like commuters on a overcrowded bus who can’t but help brush up against each other. I threw everything on a plate and zapped it in the microwave, added a slice of bread and gravy and settled in for the perfect comfort food on a cold mid-western day….the hot turkey sandwich. It was then I heard the new sound in our house, a beeping and whirring….it was my wife’s new “toy”….the Robo-Vac.

When future anthropologist begin studying our civilization and the inevitable demise of it I often wonder what they will declare was the beginning of the decline. Was it the continued invention of weapons for total destruction, or perhaps it was man’s desires for enrichment and pure simple greed. As I witnessed the Robo-Vac whirring and turning and beeping I became convinced we had just let into our home the very thing that will lead to our destruction.

My wife hates vacuuming, although you would never guess this by looking in the front closet. There sits 2 vacuums each when bought were declared to be the best and most efficient vacuums available. But lets face it no matter how you dress it up it’s still a vacuum and vacuuming is tedious and a bit difficult with the cord and various attachments. And if at this point you are saying to yourself that perhaps I should take over the vacuuming duties let me assure you that I have tried. My wife is just a bit of a germ-o-phobe and neat freak and did I mention her tendencies of obsessive compulsive behavior. Each of my attempts at cleaning usually leaves my wife muttering and declaring that she’ll “just do it herself.”

And this is how we ended up with a beeping, whirring, spinning, methodical disc going back and forth and forth and back across our carpets. After finishing off the leftovers ( I bet you thought this whole blog post would be about Thanksgiving leftovers )…… I proceeded to observe the Robo-Vac. I figured I should probably acquaint myself with the object of our extinction. It was slow and methodical. That’s how all the robots are programmed I deduced as a way to gain our trust. As it was still learning the layout of our house it became stuck in the corner of the spare bedroom. This is the bedroom that has my old tennis racquets and baseball ball bats leaning about and it somehow became wedged between a bat and tennis racquet. I smirked as I dislodged it thinking myself superior.

It soon finished and headed back to it’s charging station or dock as it calls it. I wonder as it sits there the rest of the day if it’s receiving instructions from some mainframe or perhaps a data center somewhere and soon it will implement the grand strategy. I picture it going into silent mode some night and creeping up into our bed and smothering us in our sleep and then going back to it’s dock and reporting to headquarters of it’s success eliminating the humans.

I opened the pantry door and stared into it, it also seemed overly stuffed……my wife breezed through the kitchen and as if reading my mind she said…. “there’s no more pie”….. I sighed and grabbed the box of Cheezits and slumped onto the couch. I pondered the Robo-Vac and it’s meaning as I mindlessly munched Cheezits and because I didn’t want to spend the whole day becoming the embodiment of the Thanksgiving couch potato I got up and brushed all the crumbs onto the carpet. I paused knowing full well what I had just done…. I shrugged…the Robo-Vac would be out again tomorrow and I figured it was better for all of us if he had something to actually vacuum up……best to keep the labor busy so it’s not plotting against us.

Peace and Love,

John