Through the Window

There’s a spot in the warehouse at work, just at the end of the conveyor belt. If you stand at precisely the right angle you can see through the window of the warehouse door directly into the lobby. You can’t see the whole lobby just a very small part of it, but occasionally you can see if there are any customers in the lobby. I was standing in that spot the other morning when I glanced through the window into the lobby and I saw her.

I recognized her immediately, it had been years and I tried to think of how long, 10 no longer, 15 (?) possibly. She looked the same but a little older, meaning she still looked stunning. Her hair was lighter, she was probably coloring it, and I swear I could still see the beauty of her eyes, and although she was wearing a face mask covering her nose and mouth, I could still picture her smile….a smile that could melt hearts and make men swoon.

We had spent a summer together, she had moved back into town, and in hindsight she never really gave me a reason for coming back, and that in itself should have been a warning sign. We did all the summer things, went to concerts and ball games, beach parties and fireworks. We rode bikes and hiked in the woods, we stayed up late talking about life and how it could go sideways when you least expect it. A small part of me knew it couldn’t last, wouldn’t last, there was no way possible that she would continue to stay in this small town. She had always been the girl who wanted out, dreamed big, and you just knew it would happen for her.

As the long summer days dwindled, our time together was less frequent. Then she told me, she was leaving again, for good this time. Her old boyfriend had called and wanted her back, needed her back, he loved her and couldn’t live without her and she knew she loved him too. He had made some mistakes in the past but he was finally recognizing and admitting his mistakes. He had grown and most of all he was realizing what was important and he had changed.

If there had been emojis back then, my reaction would have been the hand hitting the forehead emoji. I think in a moment of regrettable anger I said something like….

“are you really believing his bullshit ?”

A flash of anger crossed her face, it was a look I had never seen before, more things were said and the anger grew, but I knew she was already gone.

I stood there looking through the window remembering all this in an instant. She glanced up and looked through the window and saw me. For a brief second our eyes locked, if she recognized me she didn’t show it and I quickly moved out of view. I waited a moment and looked back through the window, she was talking and laughing with our service rep and that’s when the pain hit me, the pain I thought had left long ago. It was her laugh and her voice I missed the most, she would sometimes get real close to me if we were in a crowded place and she’d start whispering in my ear, her voice soft and seductive. It was that voice that woke me up in the middle of the night for months after she left. And although I couldn’t hear her laugh through the warehouse door, I still remembered it and I wished I could be the one to make her laugh and smile.

“Hey, you gonna stand there all morning or are you gonna load some trucks ?” ….. a co-worker snapped me out of my remembrance. The conveyor belt was full, there were trucks to load and packages to deliver. I sighed suddenly knowing it was going to be a very long day with too many miles and too much time for thinking.