I was recently awakened on a spring weekend morning by something that sounded like a jackhammer outside my bedroom window. What could that possibly be, and who could be doing it I wondered? I don’t really have neighbors on either side of me as we live out in the country. I do have a crazy neighbor across the street who has many cars that are in a constant state of repair, a boat that I’ve never seen leave the yard, a camper which I believe is a new addition and I wonder if it will ever be used, and multiple 4-wheelers that get ridden all day. This is also the neighbor that mows his lawn at all times of the day and night. Although I’ve never seen him do any type of construction project, I certainly wouldn’t put it past him to have a jackhammer and be using it at 7:00 on a Saturday morning.
I lay there a moment, thinking of all this and I realized the pounding jackhammer sound had stopped. Good, I thought, I’ll just go back to sleep. No sooner had that dreamy thought crossed my mind than it started again, seemingly louder than before, and this time it also woke up my wife.
I don’t know where I read it, but one of the most profound statements I ever saw was…
“the most important responsibility of a husband is to ensure that his wife sleeps soundly”….
Now that could mean many, many things from happiness and familial stability, to security and financial comfort, or many other things. It’s beauty is in it’s simplicity…
“the most important responsibility of a husband is to ensure that his wife sleeps soundly”…
Let me explain something here, my wife can sleep through anything. The 4th of July neighborhood fireworks show, she’s out. The middle of the night summer thunderstorm… doesn’t hear it, the coyotes howling during their hunt, she sleeps right through it. She also has this amazing ability to fall asleep within 5 minutes of boarding a moving vehicle, whether that be a train, plane or automobile. But this rat-ta-tat-tatting…she was up and since it was the weekend, she was not happy.
“What is that?”…she inquired not very pleasantly.
I, still in a morning slumber and clearly not thinking right uttered the 3 words a husband should never say…
“I don’t know”….
“You are going to check it out, aren’t you?…
Although it was phrased as a question, I knew it really wasn’t and there could be only one response.
“Yes”…I sighed and headed out the door.
It was a chilly morning, and I stood there looking around, for what I wasn’t quite sure. There was no jackhammer laying about, nobody in the near vicinity working on any construction projects, but I knew I had better stay outside till I figured it out. It didn’t take long before it was back, the rat-a-tat-tatting, the sound that had woken me up and more importantly had woken up my wife on a weekend morning.
It was a woodpecker, pecking away at our gutter, right above our bedroom window. The window flew open and my wife, like a child hearing the ice cream truck on the first day of summer vacation, pressed her face against the screen.
“Hear that, what is it?”….
“It’s a woodpecker” I answered…
“Why’s he doing that” she asked…
And because I didn’t learn from the first time or perhaps I was wishing I was still in bed, I said again…
“I don’t know”…
The window slammed shut and I stood there contemplating my options. I didn’t have much time to think because within 2 minutes my wife was back at the window. She had googled it, and she had found an answer. Apparently, woodpeckers at this time of year try to find something very loud to peck on in order to attract a suitable female for mating. Evidently the solution was to cover up that spot so he can’t peck there. I had my doubts about our ability to stop him. Have you ever tried to stop a bird from building a nest behind one of your porch light fixtures? They are persistent once they get an idea in their head, and not only that, but this little guy had something way more important on his mind.
It occurred to me that my little woodpecker friend was doing this all wrong. Pounding on a gutter at 7:00 in the morning was not going to attract a mate. He was using all his “good moves” way to early. It’s the equivalent of a guy asking out a girl on a first date and then taking her to breakfast and telling her all his funny stories and trying to impress her. No matter if she likes him or not, it’s still morning, what are you going to do next, hit the farmers market and go antiquing…..that’s what couples who have been married 20 years do.
Pounding on a gutter that early is like a guy sending a “u up” text at 7:00 in the morning….chances are she ain’t up, but you just woke her up, and if she is up, she don’t want to be hearing from your ass at 7:00 in the morning. Either way she’s not happy and your chances of mating just flew out the proverbial window.
I’d tell this little woodpecker to chill out a bit…go hang out by the bird feeder and bird bath at dinner time. If a cute lady woodpecker shows up, offer her a drink from the bird bath. Talk to her for a bit, get to know her, let her do most of the talking, then say…
“hey, you wanna see something”
That’s when you take her to the gutter, which actually sounds bad but it’s all part of the plan.
And when you get to the gutter don’t start pounding away immediately!! If anything that will only horrify her, and she’ll probably fly off. When you’re watching the 4th of July fireworks you don’t expect to see the “grand finale” at the start, that would leave nothing for the end.
I’d tell this little woodpecker to take your time, start slowly, have a build-up, get into a nice rhythm…show her you have some stamina. Then if she seems she’s into it, go with your best move, show her that rat-a-tat-tatting, show her you can hang with the best of them and finish with a flourish, maybe even throw in some wing flapping and a squawk or two at the end, they seem to like that.
Then take her back to your crib to seal the deal, and the next morning, get up early and leave abruptly, hopefully before she’s awake and fly off and never see her again…it’s the circle of life….(insert Lion King music here)
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go see if someone’s up, but if not, I won’t be waking her because like sleeping babies, sleeping wives are best left sleeping.
Be safe and take care of each other….
John's Blog 